Vulnerability

He could never tell them what had happened last night. In fact, he had no idea who to go to for help; he had never asked for help before. At age 24 he was brought back to a feeling of loss of control he hadn’t felt since before he had dropped out of high school. The full yet barren-feeling hallways echoing the drone of underpaid teachers hadn’t offered him much choice or control over his life or future. At least in the streets there were alternatives and opportunities for acceptance, advancement, financial gain, and power. The appeal of the money and property plus respect and security, outweighed the appeal of books and pencils, coffee and sleepless nights. An academic diminuendo made way to a void of solitude that couldn’t be alleviated by home or school. There was only one other path. But he never expected any of these paths to lead him here. Here, relinquished of his manhood and pride, he lays in bed, directionless. The world doesn’t feel as it did yesterday. His skin doesn’t feel as comfortable as it did. The traffic outside is the only reminder that life outside of his thoughts has carried on. The first step of the day reveals that last night took its toll on him physically as well. All 850 muscles of the body resonated an ache that no workout had ever induced. However, the last thing on his mind were his aching muscles. The memories present themselves one at a time as if commercials flashing by on a TV screen. Each memory comes equipped with its own set of sensory triggers. Trembling, palpitating, perspiration, the feeling of a 40 lb. weight on his chest, the knot no sailor could undo in his stomach, and the adrenaline all return as if they’ve been deprived of a night of action. Somewhere in the tsunami of feelings he tries to remember what could have caused all of this. He recalls leaving the scene, but nothing out of the ordinary for him until it struck. The rush of panic and anxiety took hold of him as the adrenaline surged through his bloodstream. Within five minutes he had gone from life as usual to a feeling of an inevitable, swift death. Perhaps the most overwhelming feeling now, as he ponders the events of the night before, is shame. His manhood is being tried and he feels as if he’s losing. He believes men are strong, fearless, and independent but he’s cowardly, weak, in need of help, and most of all, irreparable.